I’m not good enough.
There are days where negativity bullies its way in to haunt my mind, jabbing at my frustrations of things that I can’t control. It leaves me helpless, my thoughts trapped in a never-ending cycle of discouragement. My inability to do things with my life that I want to because I am restrained by society’s expectations. The incessant need to prove myself. The words that I can’t speak elegantly enough. The constant questioning of whether I’m a productive member of society. Whether I have become lazy. One thought after another, weight added onto my shoulders.
I fight to push these thoughts back. Watch a movie. Read a book. Talk to family. But it’s still there- lurking in the back of my consciousness. It doesn’t work. Gray as a heavy thundercloud right before a storm. The tension builds up so heavy with so many thoughts in my head that I want to explode.
I read somewhere that to be happy, one should write down 10 things they’re grateful for everyday. I’ve been doing that on and off for years. The first time I wrote, I only came up to six. The more I practice, the better I get at remembering the things that I’m thankful for. It’s easy to take for granted the things that you have and should appreciate. So, to cheer myself up today, here are 10 things I’m grateful for:
- Loved ones who are always supportive of who I am and what I do. Whether they know it or not, talking to them always makes me feel better. Supported. Loved.
- Independence and freedom to do the things I want to. I am not being forced to do anything I don’t want to.
- My health. I’m able to get up everyday. I’m healthy. I’m happy with my self image.
- Books and online educational resources that allow me to improve every day.
- Beautiful weather. I love seeing the flowers blossom in this time of year. I love hearing the rain prattle softly outside.
- A roof over my head, a bed to sleep on, and public transportation to get around.
- Food. Today, strawberry and rocky road ice cream, topped with a sliced banana.
- Music. Lately, it’s been slow jazz and classical.
- Coffee. I love drinking coffee on early mornings, with a book in my hand. <3
- This Blog gives me a sense of purpose. It gives me room to vent and think things through.
Regardless of how unfair it is, there are people out there having worst. Finally, I hear it. All the negativity… pouring from the sky like a torrent. The sky lightens up. All the pent up anger dissipates. The pouring of rain hides the tears of relief on my face. I’m free.
So, let me ask you this. Can you come up with 10 things your thankful for in your life?